Have you ever had those moments where you just needed something?! Whether it was a craving that you just had to satisfy, a purchase you just had to make, an answer you were desperate for, or relief that you couldn't find. I've been there for a few months now (who am I kidding, I'm always there). I've made a few changes in the last several months. Simple things. I've started taking ADHD medication again. I haven't taken anything since middle school and I immediately got so mad at my 9th-grade self for the decision to stop taking it. It has been life-changing for me to get back on it... That's for another day though. I've also made some changes to the way I spend my downtime, doing what I can to get off of the medications I'm on, and a few other things.
In the process of making some changes, a new "thing" presented itself. It started with a simple pain in my neck. I began to go to the Chiropractor and that helped in the beginning but I started to notice it seemed to be getting worse after a while. After consulting with my primary care physician, we decided to try the physical therapy route. I have never in my life had to do PT and I honestly didn't know much about it. I was connected with an amazing physical therapist here in town and my mind was immediately blown by his intelligence and also the amazing way God has created our bodies to work. He did an exam which included a grip test and my right hand was significantly less than my left. I am right-hand dominant so that was weird for me. I was showing signs of things going on with nerves on my right side and the PT was easily able to determine that I had nerve compression in my neck caused by issues with the discs in my neck. We began some manual exercises and then he put me on the traction table. After excruciating pain for weeks, that was the first time I finally had some relief. It was a moment that I was thanking God for. It gave me hope that there was a fix. It gave me comfort by taking the pain away. It also gave me sleep! I passed out for 15 minutes while the machine worked and pulled on my neck and gave me the relief I had been needing.
Things were going well. We transitioned the type of therapy we were doing and I thought I could see the finish line and was almost done.
And then there was the Christmas Tree.....
I thought with my newfound energy and determination (also more to come on that) that it would be no issue for me to put the Christmas tree back into the attack by myself. Who needs help anyway?! As you can probably figure out, it didn't go as planned. I was about halfway up the ladder when I lost my grip and couldn't find anything to grab onto. Thankfully there was a table and a stack of plastic boxes close to where I fell which broke my fall. A few of those boxes had no idea what hit them and had to be trashed but I guess at least I didn't fall onto the concrete floor. lol. Needless to say, the severe pain in my neck had returned.
It was discouraging, to say the least. I was angry with myself because I fell. Angry with the Christmas tree because it made me fall (I was mad enough that I got back up and MADE that Christmas tree goes in the attack!). And if I'm honest, I was a little angry with God. Here I was making these changes in my life trying to "be better" and trying to make better decisions and try to be more open to His will and understand how he wants me to lead my family and then THIS happens. It's dumb, I know. But in that moment, I was hurting and I have found that when there is pain (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.) it's easy to get lost in the pain and not think clearly. I mentioned the fall to my PT but made it out to be no big deal because I didn't want to overreact (that's easy for me to do). A few days later, I was standing in the kitchen and my coffee cup simply fell out of my hand. I wasn't moving or doing anything it just simply fell while I was standing there. Tori looked at me and said what just happened. I said I had no idea the cup just fell. I didn't tell her, but it freaked me out. I had no idea what was going on. It happened again with a different item and that's when I decided I had to do something.
I told my PT at my next appointment and explained to them the amount of pain I was in which led us to do a grip test again. My right hand was even less than when I first started and was MUCH lower than my left. I'm not sure why, but fear encompassed my body. I am a "glass half empty" person. It's awful. I always see the worst in every situation instead of the best and it drives me crazy. In this case, I instantly thought I was going to be paralyzed on my right side. It probably means I have a tumor right? Are Tori and the girls going to be okay? Will I still be able to work? Do I have enough life insurance?! And for some reason, in my moment of freaking out, the number 120 popped in my head.
120. What does that even mean?! Anyway, therapy continued and became more aggressive. Sometimes the pain took my breath away and a time or two I wanted to push the therapist off of me but I could tell it was working. Without really thinking about it, my "grip goal" became 120. That's the number I wanted to see when/if he did the grip test again. He did and each time I was not at 120. So then I'm like alright you're crazy. Let it go. I'm not even sure what my grip should be!
I walked into therapy yesterday and he said let's start with the grip test. He did my left hand first. 120. I said to myself, okay that's fine and everything but that isn't the worst side. Then came the right. I waited and squeezed. 120! I said ARE YOU SERIOUS?! And in that moment, God said, 120. Remember that I have a plan. I have never left you. Even when you were in sin, I was with you. When you were hurting and in pain after losing your dad, I was there. When life was tough and nothing made sense, I was there. When finances were squeezing the life out of you, I was there. When you had NO HOPE, I was there. Do you trust me?
Of course that all happened within three seconds and I didn't have time to process it until much later and I'm still processing it even though I am writing this. But for whatever reason, God used the number 120 to remind me that he has always been and will always be there for me and in control. I'm thankful that God loves me enough to walk with me through the difficult "stuff" but I'm embarrassed that I often forget that he is also with me in the good times too.