Valentine's Day. Single's Awareness Day. Heart Day.
February 14th is called a lot of different things. It has had a lot of different meanings for me throughout the years. I have never LOVED the holiday (usually because I was nerdy and single ha) but now, some great memories have happened for me on February 14th. There are also the tough memories of February 14th and the days leading up to it. It's very difficult for me to get on social media during February. The "memories" that pop up and the reminders are just hard sometimes.
For me, February 14th has become heart day. Most of you know the story and are probably tired of hearing about it. February 14th, 2015, Saturday Morning. My dad was on the heart transplant list awaiting a new heart. I was at work that morning when I got a phone call. I knew my dad had been taken back to the hospital but I thought it was just out of precaution because he wasn't feeling great. He had another heart attack. I knew that wasn't good. I immediately told my manager and through tears, had to balance my teller drawer so I could leave and figure out what I was going to do. All the way home I was on the phone with my mom and my grandparents. Once I got home, Tori, Enslee, and I got in the car and went to Tony and Sherry's. We needed people. I couldn't emotionally process what was going on. I was a basket case. I told Tori there was a plane leaving for Jackson in an hour. I'm going to get on that plane and you and Enslee can fly down later and bring me clothes. She asked me if I thought that was the best idea. Deep down I knew it wasn't but couldn't admit it. We couldn't even make it to the airport and get through security in an hour. My dad was on a ventilator and couldn't talk but my mom said he could hear you. I told him we had purchased plane tickets and would be there first thing the next morning. I told him I was honored to be his son and so thankful for the sacrifices he had made for us throughout the years. I knew he was tired. He had fought for so long. I knew he was scared. He didn't know what to expect. He and I had talked about that a few weeks prior. "I'm afraid things are coming to an end for me," he had told me as we were messaging. I told him I would make sure Mama and the girls would be okay. He didn't have to fight any longer. It was finally okay for him to get some rest. "I love you so much!" I said. My mom said he was nodding as if saying okay but also saying I love you too. I can picture it in my mind as if it just happened. The whole conversation.
Tori and I finished booking our plane tickets and I told my mom and sisters all the details of the flight and our plan. So we load up to go home and pack so we can be ready to leave the next morning. I was still sobbing in the front seat as Tori drove. Out of nowhere, my sweet little Enslee, who was only 3 at the time, said, "It's okay Daddy. Your daddy is gonna be okay." That got me. How is she so much stronger than I am?! Anyway, we get home, and after a little bit, my phone rings. It's Grandpa. I looked at Tori and answered the phone on speakerphone.
"We lost him." I will NEVER forget those words. It was literally like time was moving in slow motion. What did he mean we lost him?! That's impossible! He's only 52! I can't lose my dad!! I couldn't gather a thought. Only sobbing. Questions. How? Why? What should I have done differently? They were meeting with the doctor soon and agreed to put me on speakerphone. The doctor began to describe what had taken place. I'm not sure if the Doctor was being sincere or if he just had really good bedside manners but I needed to hear the next few things he said. He asked us if we had any questions. He explained that they had revived my dad 8 times that morning while trying to repair the blockages in his heart and after that last time they decided his body couldn't take it anymore. The doctor said, "I can honestly say we did everything we could. I would have done all the same things if it were my dad. His heart just simply couldn't beat any longer." Then he said if there are no more questions I'm going to go finish up with your dad. It still wasn't real.
We flew in the next day, Sunday morning. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard but we walked around the corner and saw my entire family standing there. My mom, sisters, brother-in-law, Grandpa, Grandma....but he wasn't there. I stopped and told Tori, "he's supposed to be there." She said, "Go hug your mama Josh, I have Enslee." Tori has always been my rock and was even more so through this entire process. Sitting in a conference room to plan your dad's funeral was something I never knew would be so difficult. We headed to the funeral home after the airport to do just that. I hated it. I hated the whole thing. My oldest sister and I repeated that to each other often.
I think it was one of my cousins who said, "Uncle Bobby finally got his new heart on heart day." Though I know that isn't scripturally sound, it was a reminder that God is in control and has provided my dad with the ultimate healing he had longed for for so many months. My dad wanted to be healed on this side of life/death. He wanted to watch the grandkids grow up. He was excited to meet Addie, who we had just told him about a couple of weeks prior. Tori was only several weeks pregnant with her then. He wanted to take care of my mom. He just wanted to be well. But God. God had a plan for Bobby Neese and knew it was time for him to be healed in a way only HE could provide.
I've just recently reached out to the pastor who led my dad to Christ. I just needed to hear that story one more time. It never gets old. I find comfort in hearing the story of the faithfulness of my uncle who cornered their pastor and said you CAN NOT let them leave without knowing Jesus. The pastor said he had no idea what to do but my Uncle was desperate so he ended up talking with them (it's a better story than this that I'll share later) and they both accepted Christ that night. I find comfort and peace in that story because I have no doubt my dad is in Heaven because of that pastor's obedience.
Someone asked me about a year ago why I still struggle so much with the death of my dad and why it still hits me so hard. I'm still not sure I know the answer. That's something I'm working on figuring out.
Heart day. A day to be sappy and sweet to Tori. A day to love on Enslee and Addie. A day to remember my dad and share the love that he had for his family, his friends, and most of all, his Jesus. A reminder that God has a plan for each of us. He has appointed each of us a time to live and a time to die. He is the great physician. He's also a comforter when we are walking through hurt. He is the provider of all things. He is God.